"I'm terrible at reaching goals."

I was meeting with a client, a warm, bright mother of 2 who lamented how hard it was to follow through on her goals. I hear this a lot in my role as a coach: “I’m terrible at reaching goals. I just can’t do it,” they confess. As they speak, it’s almost as if I can see a mental ticker tape scrolling in their minds, replaying all their past experiences and examples of their failures. I know this is a well-worn path without them saying a word.

But I don’t buy it.

“Okay, I hear you. Even if the ability to finish tasks doesn’t feel like your biggest strength, I know for a fact that you have finished things—school, jobs, projects—and reached goals before. Tell me about a time when you did and did it in a way that felt good to you.”

She then shared an incredible story of tackling a challenging class that wasn’t set up well for the way she learns, paying attention to the conditions that helped her most. As she talked, I couldn’t help but smile and cheer as she described making the class work, enjoying it, and eventually acing it. Together, we analyzed the experience, uncovering clues to her unique strengths and approach that she could continue to carry into future goals.

Her narrative shifted from “I’m not good at reaching goals” to “I reach my goals when I actively create my best conditions for pursuing meaningful goals that honor the way I work at my best.” What a powerful reframing.

I’m fascinated with the process of unlearning and relearning our approaches to goal setting. Like my client, many myths we hold onto don’t work to activate our best ways forward. I care about this because I think goals can be creative partners, meaningful guideposts, and powerful sources of momentum. Here are some unpopular truths about goals.

You change your goals once you create them.

This myth stifles the playful creativity needed to name and achieve goals. Goals can—and should—be flexible. Think of it like the process of drawing, where you bring paper, a pencil, and, importantly, an eraser to make adjustments. You can also try, erase, adjust, and try again with goals.

Goals need to come from ‘want’ not ‘should’ to be effective.

Many wise people have warned about the dangers of “shoulding” ourselves to death so this is not a novel thought. However, I will add that recognizing this is a good start, but it’s not enough. We also need to ask: What do I truly want? What’s the desire underneath this goal?

While helping my son with college applications this fall (a part-time job in itself—shoutout to fellow parents of teens), I realized the difference this question makes. Beyond hitting deadlines and checking boxes, I wanted him to learn about himself and what school would be a good fit. Keeping this in mind didn’t make the process seamless, but it kept me focused on what mattered most.

Your desires matter. They should shape both your goals and how you pursue them.

You don’t need to override yourself to be able to reach goals.

I used to believe the most worthy goals were those achieved by ignoring my thoughts, feelings, surroundings, and even my own body (maybe especially my body). Later, I learned this state has a name: dissociation, which is a trauma response that distances us from our bodies and selves, as Dr. Thema Bryant explains.

I believe in working hard, but reaching goals shouldn’t mean dissociating. Instead, goals can be a profound way to reconnect with ourselves, honor our inner wisdom, and pursue personal growth in integrated and holistic ways.

You’re not bad at goals.

Like my client, many believe they’re simply not “goal people.” They assume that achieving goals is a skill reserved for miraculous unicorns who wake up at 5 a.m., ready to conquer their biggest aspirations before the rest of us have had our morning coffee.

Instead, I invite you to focus on the times you have achieved your goals. Then, go deeper: What uniquely helped you succeed? This deceptively simple yet life-changing practice, called positive deviance, shifts your focus from problems to successes. By reflecting on what worked, you can uncover life-changing insights.

Might I suggest that maybe what you need isn’t a magical morning routine but instead some new paradigms, a cheering squad, and perhaps support to work on your goals in connection with others? If so, this newsletter is for you. Let’s explore these ideas and work through them collaboratively—because everything is better when we do it together.

How about you? Which goal-setting myth are you unlearning?

About the Writer of this Newsletter

Tracey Gee is a certified leadership coach and consultant and the author of The Magic of Knowing What You Want: A Practical Guide to Unearthing the Wisdom of Your Desires. You can read my full bio here and learn more about my book, which will be released on January 28, 2025.